


Baked

by flootzavut



Series: Lie to NCIS [54]
Category: Lie to Me (TV), NCIS
Genre: 8-o, Awesome Foursome, Cal is wildly inappropriate, Crossover, CxK, GxC, GxJ, I feel like I should apologise on his behalf, JxC, JxK, Kate Lives, Kibbs, Lie to NCIS, Marijuana, Multi, Multi-shipping, Recreational Drug Use, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, crossoververse, foursomeverse, queer, sweet baby gandalf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 14:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13683795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: Cal reacts to recent events in his own, inimitable way...Crib notes for the fandom blindhere.





	Baked

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BadWolf303](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadWolf303/gifts).



> For aiding, abetting and encouraging me :D
> 
> I imagine regular readers are sick to the back teeth of my crib notes, so I'll just reiterate that they're available [here](http://archiveofourown.org/series/334084).
> 
> This story is chronologically directly after [**Truth**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11159568), even though that was posted months ago.
> 
> There are a couple of stories mentioned/referenced that you may not have read if you are just here for the stoned!Cal, which I'll put in the end notes so if you want to read them prior to this story you can. I don't think they're _absolutely_ necessary to have read, so it's informational more than anything!

* * *

_**Baked** _

* * *

 

Kate and Gibbs arrive at Cal's place a while before they meant to, and it's just as well they have a spare key. "Guess they're not back from work."

They let themselves in and discover that Gibbs is half right.

Cal's sitting on the couch and watching his hand, which he's holding up an inch or two in front of his face. Apparently it's very interesting.

"Hey," says Gibbs. "Did you mean to lock yourself in?"

Cal peers up, eyes hooded, and his face melts into a slightly gormless grin. "Aye aye," he says. "Gor, ain't you two a sight for sore eyes?" He's speaking a little slower than usual, and as he looks between them, his smile widens to a comic degree. "Wish I'd known you were coming."

Gibbs raises an eyebrow. "Ya did, Cal. Arranged it yesterday afternoon. You were right there."

Cal frowns, looking as if thinking is causing him considerable difficulty. "I was?" he asks, sounding doubtful.

"Uh-huh."

"Hmmm. You'd think I'd remember that." He looks down at his feet, at which point Gibbs notices with amusement that he's wearing absurd fluffy bunny-rabbit slippers. (Somehow, it's not remotely surprising.) "Dunno what to tell you."

Gibbs really isn't used to Cal being this dense, but it's Kate who works it out. She sniffs the air, then laughs for a second before she gets ahold of herself again. "Oh my God," she manages, "he's totally baked."

The penny drops with a clang, and Gibbs groans. Cal, high? This was supposed to be a chance to get back to normalcy after - well, just after. Part of him honestly doesn't blame Cal for needing help to relax, but it would make Gibbs' life easier if he didn't break the law in the process.

Kate puts her hands on her hips and attempts to glare. "Cal, you idiot, did you really just get lit up after you invited a couple of federal agents around for dinner?" There's still a lot of laughter in her tone, but she's clearly trying her best to be serious.

Cal smirks lazily. "'S research, love."

Gibbs rolls his eyes. "It's  _illegal_ , Cal."

Cal pulls a face that would be more at home on a mischievous schoolboy, then pushes himself up from the couch and approaches them on wobbly legs. "Gonna punish me, officer?" he asks. Gibbs is a little taken aback by the frankly lascivious tone.

Kate gives up on stern; she's now laughing openly.

Gibbs tries again. "Cal..."

"Blimey, sometimes you're so uptight. Woulda saved you some."

"And then I woulda had to arrest you," says Gibbs.

"Handcuffs. Kinky." Cal waggles his eyebrows, then reaches up to pat Gibbs' face. "I'm game if you are."

Gibbs tries to fend Cal off as gently as possible. He shoots a desperate look at Kate, who's laughing her butt off, practically crying with it, and is gonna be worse than useless. "Oh, God."

Cal looks up at Gibbs speculatively. "So go on, then. Gi' us a kiss, love."

 _What?_ "Cal, I'm Gibbs, not Gillian."

"Can see that, darling, now give us a snog."

Gibbs can't help laughing, even as he grabs Cal's shoulders to keep him at arm's length. "I think you need to lie down."

Cal grins like a (small, cute) shark. "Why, you offerin'?"

Gibbs closes his eyes for a moment. On the plus side, it's likely to be hilarious when Cal is sober again and remembers all... this. On the minus side, he has to fend Cal off without damaging him in the meantime, which is gonna be a challenge. "No."

"Too bad. You c'n give us a kiss, though, yeah? Go on."

Gibbs tries, but he can't actually resist. He's careful, because he suspects it wouldn't take much encouragement in this state for Cal to push his luck, but he grabs Cal around the face, bends down, and drops a kiss on the end of his nose. "Happy now?"

Cal stops mid-complaint, looks at Gibbs, squints down at his own nose, then back at Gibbs. "'S not really what I had in mind," he says with a pout.

"Well, it's all you're getting."

Cal pouts harder. "Spoilsport. 'S not a proper kiss if it don't involve a bit of tongue. Or a lot of tongue."

Part of Gibbs is deeply tempted just to say 'screw it' and give Cal a kiss to think about, lips and tongue and teeth, the whole nine yards, but he's absolutely certain that Cal, in this state, wouldn't be willing to leave it at that; he'd either take it as a come on, or he'd attempt to deck Gibbs, and... yeah, no. Either way, it's not worth the risk.

Cal frowns slightly and searches Gibbs' face. If Cal wasn't completely stoned, Gibbs'd wonder if his indecision and temptation are showing, but he doesn't think Cal is up to deciphering micro-expressions just now. (He damn sure hopes not.)

After a moment, Cal turns to Kate instead. "How 'bout you, gi' us a snog?"

Kate blinks, laughs nervously. "Um. No."

"Awww." Cal's got whiny teenager down pat. "'S not fair, you kissed Gillian." He leers. "I  _saw_."

Kate goes a little pink. "We were both single at the time."

"Go on, even the score a bit."

Gibbs gets the impression Kate's caught between embarrassment and extreme amusement. "No," she says, firmly. It's just as well Cal is high and probably won't see that she's fighting back a smile.

Cal sticks his bottom lip out like a grouchy toddler. "You're missing out, both of ya. I'm really good."

Gibbs exchanges a look with Kate. There's no safe response to that.

Taking his life in his hands, Gibbs slips his arm around Cal's shoulders and steers him back toward the couch. "C'mon, Cal."

Cal allows himself to be guided, but doesn't seem inclined to stop flirting. "So, d'ya like...  _rrrradishes_?"

Gibbs frowns down at him. Judging by Cal's facial expression, that was supposed to be dirty, but Gibbs is baffled. "Uh. Sure."

Cal grins happily and slaps Gibbs' ass. "Brullyunt."

Kate lets out a hoot of laughter. Gibbs can't even begrudge her; Lightman with no inhibitions, without even the scant subtlety he scrapes together on a regular day, is absurd and amusing on a whole new level. It is admittedly better than the edgy nervousness that's had hold of him the last couple days, which was completely understandable but just not...  _him_.

Gibbs manages to get him sitting down again, and thank God he seems to be slipping beyond handsy and into drowsy contentment. He nuzzles in with a little rumble of pleasure (it's... sort of nice, actually, although Gibbs would never say that out loud), but he's no longer trying to get in Gibbs' pants or to kiss him.

Kate comes and sits on the opposite side of Cal and hands him the box of homemade cookies she brought as a hostess gift.

(Gibbs wouldn't wish a horndog, overly curious and presently thoroughly baked scientist on her, but part of him wonders how the hell it's him who ended up being hit on the most. Then again, it might serve him right for teasing (okay okay, and flirting with) Cal so much of late.)

Cal slouches more into Gibbs' side even as he reaches over to loop an arm around Kate's shoulders and pull her close. "You, darling, are a bloody queen amongst women." He gets the lid off with some difficulty, since he doesn't seem willing to let go of her, but once it's open he has a cookie stuffed in his mouth so fast it's a miracle he doesn't choke on it. Then he lets out an orgasmic groan. "Fucking hell," he manages, through a mouthful of crumbs, "did you make these, love?"

Kate nods.

"Fuck me. Jethro, you gotta keep this one, she's gorgeous as fuck and she  _bakes_." He turns back to Kate. "Between you and me, Katie," he says, in a stage whisper, "your fella's pretty hot, an' all. Wouldn't kick 'im outta bed. But you... you fucking  _bake_." He taps her on the nose. "You might be perfect."

Gibbs catches Kate's eye, and they both crack up. Okay, so maybe Cal is rude, inappropriate, and high as a kite, but he's damn entertaining.

Cal shoves another cookie in his mouth, chews on it noisily and happily, crumbs spilling down his front. "Bloody marvellous, you two," he mumbles as he eats. "Biccies and sex."

Gibbs clears his throat. "Ah, Cal? Not about to sleep with ya. Pretty sure Kate's not, either."

"Too bad. Pretty good at that an' all. Ask Gillian." Cal nods. "Still, biccies. Can't go wrong with a nice biccy." He waves a cookie around. "Even if you Yanks insist on calling 'em all cookies."

He's going through them at an alarming rate, but it seems to be a pretty good distraction from hitting on anything that moves, so Gibbs thinks Gill will just have to go without for today. Once she gets a good look at Cal, Gibbs suspects she'll agree it was a good call. At least Emily is with her mom tonight and won't witness this. Gibbs is thankful for small mercies.

"When's Gillian due back?" he asks while Cal is busy stuffing his face.

Kate looks at her watch. "Any time now, I should think." She grins. "Probably serves us right for being early."

"Yeah, won't be doing that again in a hurry." Cal rubs his face against Gibbs' shoulder like a friendly cat. "Definitely learned my lesson."

Kate pets Cal's hair affectionately. "It is sort of sweet. In a slightly creepy, borderline X-rated kind of way."

"That's one way of looking at it."

"He's going to be horrified, isn't he?"

"I'm guessing very."

She giggles and pets Cal some more. He's finished the cookies (Gibbs is honestly surprised he didn't hurt himself, the speed he was eating them), discarded the box, and has gone back to making eyes, looking up from his spot on Gibbs' shoulder and pursing his lips at Kate in a gesture it's impossible to mistake for anything except a renewal of the 'give us a kiss' request. She laughs even harder.

"Idiot."

"Oi!" Cal's umbrage would sound more convincing if he didn't also sound so slow witted and short on braincells right now. Then he presses up into Kate's hand. "Do that again, love."

Gibbs looks at Kate, who looks back, and they're still laughing when Gill comes through the front door.

Gillian's appearance livens Cal right back up. "Gillian! Gor, she's lovely en't she? C'mere, love. Got Jethro an' got Katie and now I got you. Come an' sit on my lap." He grins and winks and leers, with all the subtlety of a neon sign saying, 'I've got a present for you...  _in my pants_.'

Gillian takes in the scene with one glance, eyes wide, then bursts out laughing.

"Not you as well," says Gibbs.

She tries to contain her laughter behind her hand, and speaks between the splutters. "I'm sorry- oh God, Cal- the state of you..." She looks at Gibbs, who's still got amorous Lightman all over him, and shakes her head apologetically. "I told him no, I said it was stupid and inappropriate and reminded him you're both feds, but you know what he's like."

"We never saw a thing," says Kate. It may be stretching the facts a little but it is almost literally true. "And apparently he thinks being arrested is a come on, anyway." She grins mischievously. "Or at least, it is when Gibbs tries it."

Gillian presses her lips together desperately, but she only manages to stall for a few seconds before she cracks up again.

She crosses to the couch and grabs Cal's hand, trying to pull him up from where he's half-reclining, his head still on Gibbs' shoulder and one arm wrapped around Kate, but even stoned, his brain is pretty quick when he wants it to be. He lets Gill grab him, then he's tugging, and she ends up sprawled partly on Cal's lap and partly on Kate's, still laughing her ass off. Cal wraps his free arm around her and nuzzles into her hair, making little contented noises.

Well, at least he's happy. He's still cuddled into Gibbs' side and has Kate in his embrace, but apparently being surrounded by the three of them works for him. Gibbs is touched despite himself.

"Mmmm. Tha's the stuff." Cal breathes deep. "You smell unbelievable, love." He turns to Gibbs. "'Ave a whiff. 'S lovely."

Gibbs bites back his laughter. "Uh, I'll take your word for it."

"No seriously, though, smell 'er, go on."

Gillian looks over her shoulder and gives Gibbs an indulgent smile. "You'd better just do it. I don't think he's going to take no for an answer."

Gibbs pauses a moment longer, which has Cal nudging him and telling him, again, to 'get a whiff of that' (and given Cal's arms are occupied, it's a full-body nudge which is hard to ignore), and maybe Gill's right. Gibbs leans forward and buries his nose in her hair, takes a long breath in, and okay, Cal has a point, Gillian smells great. He lingers for a couple seconds longer than he meant to, takes another lungful, then remembers himself and pulls away.

Gillian smiles at him again, apparently not bothered by him accidentally taking liberties, and he turns back to Cal feeling oddly exposed. "Yeah," he admits, "you're right, she does smell good."

"Good? Bloody fantastic, you mean."

"Uh..."

"Mind, bet Kate smells all right an' all." Cal hauls Kate closer and she giggles uncontrollably as he gives her a thorough sniffing. "Mmmm, yum."

Gibbs chuckles. At least so far it hasn't occurred to Cal to give him the same treatment - he isn't sure how he'd feel about that.

Once he's done smelling Kate, Cal sinks back into Gibbs' shoulder and pulls Gillian in close to his chest. Their little knot around him is ridiculous, but undeniably cozy.

"So, how was your day?"

Both Kate and Gibbs laugh aloud at Gillian's attempt to cling to sanity in this bizarre situation, but for a few minutes they talk amongst themselves and more or less manage to get past the thoroughly stoned guy who keeps making random passes at all of them.

It doesn't last long. Something rouses Cal from his happy stupor, then, "Love. Love."

"Yes?" It sounds like Gillian's stifling more laughter.

"Love?"

"I'm right here, babe."

"You are, ain't ya?" Cal drops a sloppy kiss on her cheek. "Love, you gotta tell 'em I'm good in bed. Don't think they believed me."

Gillian goes silent for a moment. "Cal, why in the world would you tell them that?"

"'Cause neither of 'em'll snog me otherwise."

She looks at Kate, who nods, then at Gibbs, who tries very hard not to smirk but is pretty sure he's unsuccessful, then hides her face in her hands. "I'm so, so sorry."

Gibbs chuckles and pats her head. "No worries. Was funny. Think Lightman's gonna die of embarrassment come tomorrow, but it was pretty damn entertaining for us."

"Oh, God."

Cal isn't remotely abashed. "Go on, tell 'em."

Gibbs thought he'd seen Cal plenty relaxed when he was drunk, but this is a whole different league. Maybe he should be allowed the stuff, especially after what happened; would 'too smart for his own good and so sharp he has no chance of chilling out otherwise' count as a medical necessity?

Gillian heaves a sigh and relaxes back into Cal's chest. "You're going to regret this tomorrow," she points out.

"Nah."

"Idiot." She sounds resigned. "Yes, Cal, you're very good at sex."

"See? See?" Cal waves a finger in Gibbs' face, then in Kate's, his grin triumphant. "Told ya. Bet you wish you'd snogged me when you had the chance. Best not with the missus here, though." He sits back, thoroughly satisfied, not to say smug, and wraps his arm around Gillian's waist again. "Mmmm, lovely."

Gibbs assumes the last is Cal's reaction to being snuggled up to three people he evidently fancies, at least when he's high. As compliments go, it's one of the weirder ones Gibbs has ever received, but he decides he can live with being a human pillow for the evening. He can't resist ruffling Cal's hair, or smiling when Cal makes an honestly extremely cute noise.

"Is he always like this when he's-" Kate doesn't finish the sentence - plausible deniability only goes so far.

"He doesn't usually hit on my friends or demand kisses, but besides that? Pretty much." Gillian manages to reach back far enough to pat his head where he's nestled in to Gibbs' shoulder. "Affectionate, adorable, wildly inappropriate..."

"Kind of weird?"

She giggles. "Well, isn't he always kind of weird?"

They all laugh at that, except for Cal who's gone quiet again. (Gibbs can't help wondering if he's working himself up for another round of doing and saying things he's going to regret in the morning.)

"Yeah, he's been... interesting," says Gibbs. It comes out sounding fonder than he was aiming for.

"Oh, and he was asking about radishes," Kate adds.

To Gibbs' surprise, that makes Gillian go bright red. "Uh..."

Kate narrows her eyes. "I knew there was something you weren't telling us," she says. "He made it sound, um-" she goes a little pink herself "-well, kind of... dirty."

Gill closes her eyes and shakes her head. "Oh, good God." She covers her face with her hands again. "When he mentions radishes, he means, well... sex."

There's a moment of silence, only broken by a snore from Lightman, who has finally succumbed to sleep.

"Do I even wanna know how radishes mean sex?" asks Gibbs. Sure, Cal's a little odd, but root vegetables and sex is a worrying combination.

"It was a typo!" Gillian protests. "It was supposed to say 'ravish'!"

"Ohhh." Kate looks almost as relieved as Gibbs feels.

"Thank God for that."

"I'm going to kill him." Gillian sounds mortified. Kate and Gibbs reach out in unison to pet her hair.

"If it's any consolation, Gill, I'm thinkin' he's gonna be at least three times as embarrassed come tomorrow."

She nods, then manages to squirm around in Cal's sleepy embrace until she can look up at them both properly. "I'm so sorry."

"'S okay," says Gibbs.

"It was like... really surreal pre-dinner entertainment," Kate adds.

"Oh God, dinner." Gill shakes her head. "I don't suppose he thought to actually cook before he went off to play with the fairies?"

Gibbs chucks her under the chin. "I don't think this is a night for fine dining, Gillian - I reckon calling for takeout is probably our best bet."

Gillian laughs ruefully. "I promise, next time we invite you for dinner, I'll make sure there's food and Cal at least starts the evening sober."

Gibbs chuckles. "It's a deal."

_~ fin ~_

**Author's Note:**

> The stories referenced are [Radish Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10537968) and [Jeopardy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13428909).
> 
> Also, I'm pretty sure I owe [BadWolf303](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BadWolf303/) credit for:
> 
> "It's research, love."  
> "It's illegal, Cal."


End file.
